His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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