My room smells like vodka and shame
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
