and you said cock pushups were impossible
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize