I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
