Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Semen is not good for contacts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
