Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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