Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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