i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
