Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
