god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
