Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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