You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
