dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
