Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
