So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
