Im at strip club and am horny
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
