Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
