Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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