Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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