I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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