the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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