im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize