Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
