I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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