Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
