this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
