I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
