Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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