Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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