Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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