i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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