You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
