Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
