I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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