lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
