Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
