I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
