I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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