Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
