Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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