Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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