hotel room ftw
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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