dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
