I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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