party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
