I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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