that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
