Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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