Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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