Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
