May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
