He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
