Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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