My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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