gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
