Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
