I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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