i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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